Two weeks ago, I wrote a little piece criticizing some bad thinking concerning the health care law.

I was pleased to read the responses and had planned to use these column inches to offer a rejoinder to my critics and an affirmation to my allies. But, I have been walking around campus these past few days, and you all look as tired as I do.

We’ve reached the point of the year when the semester has begun to overstay its welcome.

I recalled the words of Winston Churchill, “A fanatic is one who can’t change his mind and won’t change the subject.”

I haven’t changed my mind concerning the health care law, but for the sake of my sanity (and yours) I plan to change the subject. In place of my usual column, I am here offering up a few choice jokes and witticisms which I turn to for mental renewal.

If you find them as amusing as I do, great. If not, at least you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

Tim Hawkins:

“Good friends are like fine wine. That’s why I keep mine locked in the cellar.”

“Whenever I want to be left alone, I go to the mall and hold a clipboard.”

John Branyan:

“Hamsters are like cigarettes; perfectly harmless until you stick one in your mouth, and light it on fire.”

G.K Chesterton:

“Do not enjoy yourself. Enjoy dances and theaters and joy-rides and champagne and oysters; enjoy jazz and cocktails and night-clubs if you can enjoy nothing better; enjoy bigamy and burglary and any crime in the calendar, in preference to the other alternative; but never learn to enjoy yourself.”

“The first two facts which a healthy boy or girl feels about sex are these: first that it is beautiful and then, that it is dangerous.”

“Bigotry is an incapacity to conceive seriously the alternative to a proposition.”

“Religious liberty might be supposed to mean that everybody is free to discuss religion. In practice it means that hardly anybody is allowed to mention it.”

Johnnie W:

“Do dermatology conferences have breakout sessions?”

“‘Jolly Rancher’ is a weird name for a candy. If you meet a rancher who is jolly, chances are, he’s growing pot.”

Demetri Martin:

“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.”

“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.”

“If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.”

“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver, if he’s persuasive.”

Mitch Hedburg:

“Last week I helped my friend stay put. It’s a lot easier than helpin’ ‘em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.”

“I want to hang a map of the world in my house, and then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won’t fall down.”

“The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.”

“What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you’re feeling sick but sociable.”

“I didn’t go to college, but if I did, I’d taken all my tests at a restaurant because the customer is always right.”

Winston Churchill:

“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”

“The truth is incontrovertible. Malice may attach it, ignorance may deride it but in the end, there it is.”

“Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.”

“A joke is a very serious thing.”

Jokes are indeed very serious things, which may make this the most serious column I have ever written. Have a good week.

BY JOHN GOERKE
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