Please RT: 8 rules to tweet by

I’m sick of defending Twitter to non-Twitter users — partly because it’s already a $10 billion company, but mostly because those who deride Twitter have never used it.

I’m talking about average people here, the kid who says: “Oh, that’s just where people just, like, talk about what they eat for lunch and stuff like that, right?”

No, and I’m done talking to you.

I’m talking to the 500 million people who have an at sign prefixed to a name somewhere, the men and women who know what 140 characters look like and what that means. I’m talking to you now.

I’ll confess, I don’t carry much in the way of credibility, but I can be irritable sometimes, and some of you are tweeting all wrong. So, to purge my misanthropy, here’s a list of don’ts and more don’ts to mull over before you dip into those trending topics.

1. Don’t be vague

Twitter is all about brevity. Even if you’re an English major, you’re not spinning layered poetry, you’re simply saying something in a couple dozen words or less. This isn’t your private diary. Remember, you’re accountable to a fickle audience. No one wants to explicate your in-jokes, ever.

2. Don’t be vague and passive-aggressive

Too many slighted people run from Facebook to Twitter like it’s some kind of confidant. Look at your follower count — it doesn’t matter how low it is or if they’re all your friends — they’re reading what you say. When you address you-know-who-you-are in a childish tweet, you’re actually talking to them. And I’m sorry, but they didn’t sign up to hear your delayed comebacks.

3. Don’t retweet irrelevant things

Perhaps the best part about Twitter is the ability to cultivate your feed around your own special interests. If you’re an interesting person, your passions probably don’t overlap with all of your friends. It’s a cruel reality, but occasionally you will be the only one in your circle who cares that your favorite band’s album leaked. Relish those private joys, don’t retweet them.

4. Don’t retweet when you should @reply

Without question, Twitter has become a marvelous venue for humor. Irreverent retweets make perfect punchlines. But not everyone is a champion of wit. In fact, most aren’t. Unless you’re about to coin a brilliant phrase, don’t retweet when your friend says: “R U comin over?”

5. Don’t tweet only links

Twitter automatically shortens URLs containing more than 18 characters. That means when you tweet nothing but a standard link, all anybody sees is a mishmash of letters and numbers and no discernible hint of where you’re leading them. Do a kindness by providing context like a decent individual; warn people so they can avoid your vaguely amusing cat video.

6. Don’t make arbitrary hashtags

I’ve never seen a humorous hashtag, but everyone still tries to include one at the end of their tweets. Try this experiment: take out the number sign, space it out properly, and look at it. Still works as a sentence, doesn’t it? Not only are hashtag-sentences annoying to read, they’re almost universally unfunny. So stop it.

7. Don’t cross the social streams

That last tweet of yours may have been spectacular, but nobody wants to read it again on Facebook. If your followers care to revisit one of your tweets, they’ll favorite them. By syncing Twitter and Facebook, you only flood your cooler friends’ social feeds with redundant information. Drop the coverall messages.

8. Don’t tweet excessively

Sure, Twitter naturally asks what’s happening, but show some discretion. Occasionally, you may have nothing to say, like a normal human being. Doubt your own wit. Maybe you shouldn’t live-tweet your evening at home with “Harold and Kumar,” even ironically. Quit spamming your friends.

Please RT.

BY TYLER SORENSEN
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Letter to the editor: In response to “It’s a great day to be a dragon”

Click here to read John Goerke’s original column.

Dear John,

Who are you kidding – it’s a terrible day to be a dragon.

We read your article last week on the condition of our university and may I just say, Wow! You sure know how to craft an argument. Your complaints resonated with us, and with others, too. I know some people may be upset with your arguments, but we just wanted you to know that we understand your arguments and fully support your ideas. Since your article was designed to provide pragmatic solutions to your interpreted criticism, we thought we would jump on the bandwagon and offer constructive feedback as well.

First of all, we understand your logic about sports. Since our teams lose all the time (just ask the track team- 23rd in the nation? Come on, you can do better) we are faced with a dilemma — what is the point of having sports? It certainly can’t be the thousands of people in our community who attend our sporting events every week, what good does that revenue have at MSUM? I know you frequent Nemzek, so you are well aware of the lack of spirit during basketball and football games. Our sports do not create camaraderie; they fill up our precious college time with such tomfoolery as friendship, entertainment and Dragon pride. School spirit is a mirage; no such thing exists at MSUM.

We also agree that it is a ridiculous notion to believe that our College plans for our future. How dare they take our tuition and mold curriculums around our evolving world. Internships? No thanks. College isn’t about practicality; it’s about poetic growth. We should be spending our four years at MSUM inside the classroom, discussing ambiguous philosophical ideas with no real purpose. At least then our hard-earned money would be reasonably spent.

It is true; the government had a shut down. It was a frustrating situation for everyone. And while we sat around, twiddling our thumbs, our helpless university suffered. However, John, you forgot to mention the perpetual shutdown on our campus as well. Sure, the school technically functions, but our political power has been usurped. As our legislature continues to squabble over state funding, students are not allowed to speak up or make a change. Our email has been shut down, cutting off communication to the administration and beyond. Petitions are strictly outlawed. Our student body has been rendered voiceless, making our time here solely run by bureaucrats. How unreasonable of the political pundits of our state to sit around and complain about their situation without making a change.

As for the logo, we couldn’t agree more. Seriously, it was totally fine being one the few colleges in the state that identify themselves behind a sports logo. Since you are such a proponent of sports, I understand why you wouldn’t want to advertise our educational programs. Who cares that our education wasn’t represented by anything more than the school name? We don’t need an identity, a symbol of success, or a way to spread our reputation as a strong collegiate school. After all, I’m sure that you attended MSUM because of our excellent athletic events.

Besides, what college administrator can sleep soundly at night knowing they are spending money toward an innovative future? Our college is better off without high-tech laboratories, 24- hour computer labs and a professional sound studio. Listen up, Edna — innovation is a thing of the past … stop wasting our money!

The only real problem we had with your article was a lack of solutions. But hey, no worries — college is all about finding problems, complaining, and then waiting for others to fix the error of their ways. We are glad you’ve made an effort to help with these problems; you make our generation’s future brighter:

First of all, Lommen Hall has to be changed. Why go to the Holiday Inn when you can go to the Hilton? Let’s ignore the fact that MSUM is behind on renovations — state laws are just suggestions, right? I don’t understand why our educational buildings should be kept up. Our first proposal is to stop all changes with the buildings. Burned out light bulbs should not be changed; broken projectors should not be fixed; and older buildings should run their course and die in peace. Think of how much money we would save for our education by not having to waste it on our educational buildings!

It’s really unfortunate that we have one of the lowest tuition rates in the state. If I want to attend a college, I want to make it worthwhile. I propose we raise tuition tenfold, and use all that money directly toward classes (not to be confused with the classrooms themselves … after the Lommen fiasco we can’t afford to have another building changed). Raising tuition will definitely help fund the solutions to all the problems you listed … once you decide to provide solutions, of course.

Once we raise tuition, we have to cut superfluous things on campus. Student clubs? Gone. Activities? Gone. Intramurals? Gone. College isn’t about the experience, that is not why students go to college — they come here for the poetic growth you discussed. Whoever said campus involvement promotes making connections and gaining experience was seriously off their rocker. Once we trim those funds, we can hire personal assistants for all students. Isn’t it the college’s job to make sure we are satisfied at all times? You are on the right track, John — this college is not considerate at all.

After your complaints of seemingly unintelligent people on campus, we thought it would be a great idea for you to tutor all those you deem unworthy of sitting by in class. You commentary makes it clear that you are the perfect student, a beacon of all that is right on this campus. We hope that by shedding your wisdom and empathy toward others, this university will be benefited exponentially.

It won’t even matter that these programs are cut because — as you so aptly put it — we live in an ocean of indifference. Our generation is apathetic, constantly thinking about themselves when things don’t go their way. It really is upsetting to read about students who are unhappy with the decisions of others but are too lazy to try and make a positive change. Luckily we have people like you, John.

We hope that our input will help your cause and you push for a revolution of a broken university. Your scathing article will pave the way for future Dragons, and for that we thank you. Even though you explained everything perfectly, we just have one more question:

If you hate MSUM so much, why did you come here?

Brian Ashburn and Lacey Nygard, MSUM students

Stealing identity: There are too many of us

One evening, as I was behind the counter in the small store where I work, a man perusing the mall saw me and had to take a second glance as he entered the store. “Are you Brandy?” the man asked.

“Well, I, uhh, no,” I stuttered out the response.

“Oh, okay. So your name isn’t Brandy?”

“Nope. Actually, I’m Meghan.”

“Oh, well you look just like her!”

He mistook me for Brandy. I don’t know who Brandy is, but I temporarily stole her identity.

It’s annoying looking like other people when you’ve never seen them. Identity brings out our pride for individuality, and when someone else steals our “look,” body, personality, face or various styles of what we or other people have dubbed as our trademark, it can be frustrating.

Four years ago, I was cloned. I must have been. There have been sightings of my supposed self at various locations, including Papa John’s, on campus — specifically in MacLean, and probably a party or two. It’s always at a distance. She is my phantom. I have never seen her myself but numerous friends and acquaintances have.

“Meghan, I saw you at Papa John’s the other day when I was driving by,” a friend once told me.

“That’s funny because I’ve never been to Papa John’s.”

Or, sometimes a friend has been walking on campus, yards behind “me.” They’ve called out my name, only to get the cold shoulder from “me.”

“Thanks for not saying, ‘hi,’ to me the other day, Meghan.”

Once, an old high school and college classmate accused my asthmatic self of smoking and began telling others about my new, un-Meghan-like behavior, only to find out I wasn’t even on campus that day (phewph).

Unfortunately, he’d already spread the news to various other classmates, including his impressionable 7-year-old sister.

My appearance, at least from the back, is no longer easily distinguishable. My hair, the biggest giveaway, is no longer my own. I share an outward identity with a woman unknown. She could rob a bank without a ski mask and everyone would blame me. This could be life-altering.

But, it probably isn’t. It’s been said that everyone has at least one person in the world who looks almost identical, and apparently, one or two of mine just happen to live in the same town and attend the same college as I do. How convenient.

This replication, though I’m sure, only outward, is — as stupid as it may seem — a hit to my individuality (and we all know how Americans, especially, pride their individuality).

However, there is a time of the year when looking like someone is celebrated – on Facebook. “Find your celebrity doppelganger” is a week where you are encouraged to not only look like yourself but a well-known person much more “important” than you are in the world. If no one has ever informed you that your smile looks like Angelina (“You have big lips like that woman who stole Brad from Jennifer”) or your eyes are brown (“Like that Clooney guy”), don’t fear. There are online face recognition programs that can help you find a look-a-like you can (hopefully) brag about. On myheritage.com, for example, you can create a “face collage” of your celebrity “look-a-likes,” but whether they actually look like you or not is another story.

It’s less than complimentary when they ask you to upload another one of your pictures because “no face (was) detected.”  Perhaps my bangs were overtaking my face again. Maybe no one looks like me, but clearly, that’s not an issue.

After my first failed attempt, I finally got my results. As I did when I used this same site years ago, my results came back with many Japanese and Korean starlets. I also was told I bore a strong resemblance to a Bond girl named Izabella Scorupco, Aretha Franklin, Mina Sorvino, Oliver Stone (my second highest match) and Barbra Streisand. I certainly have an amazing ability to display several varying looks at one time.

If you are disheartened by your own results and aren’t lucky enough to get a match like I did with Oliver Stone, it’s going to be all right. All you have to do is use another picture. Believe me; you’ll get different results every time (though I’ve gotten Hilary Duff more than once).

Yet another means of procrastination is available for us.

Doppelganger is a term of German origin. It literally means “double walker.” According to merriam-webster.com, it is “a ghostly counterpart of a living person,” a “double” and “alter ego” of a person and “a person who has the same name as another.”

Doppelgangers originally signified misfortune and were representations of evil. According to paranormal.about.com, “In instances of bilocation, a person can either spontaneously or willingly project his or her double, known as a ‘wraith,’ to a remote location. This double is indistinguishable from the real person and can interact with others just as the real person would.”

In modern terms, “doppelganger” can refer in a lighter fashion to any look-a-like of a person, so the meaning is less ominous. So, don’t worry about being a celebrity’s “doppelganger.” This doesn’t mean you are a harbinger of death and disaster. They usually bring it on themselves.

BY MEGHAN FEIR
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It really is a great day to be a dragon

It is once again that time to draw together the strings of the academic year. Time o.nce spent sleeping is now spent frantically scribbling out pages of homework, vainly hoping we might merit the approval of our professors.

If you are like me, you are feeling a great deal of animosity towards this establishment at the moment. So, in the spirit of correcting emotionally motivated misconceptions, I offer the following words in praise of this institution in particular and public education in general.

I must begin by commending our university on its valiant effort to establish a D-I hockey team. It  is truly the mark of a good educational establishment that it fosters within itself several minor league sports teams. So often when watching a professional sport’s game, I feel a distinct lack of something. I can only enjoy a hockey game if I know that only a few days ago, the goalie was sound asleep in sociology class.

That is why I love our football team. Seeing the players between classes, as they stare blankly off into space, gives me a profound sense of investment and community with the team. It’s like we’re all one big family, and they’re fighting for our honor. Never mind what some would call a less than spectacular record, it’s the thought that counts.

Moving away from sports and things hoped for, we must now turn to things realized. We ought to thank our dear legislators for giving us the money to renovate Lommen. Now it has the feel and appearance that every center of learning should — that of a Holiday Inn. Walking through there, I can feel the inspiration and passion seeping off of the toothpaste colored walls.

Now that the setting has been perfected, I assume they’ll be settling down to business, namely educating the future teachers of the world (or at least Fargo-Moorhead). The other day I asked an education major what the purpose of education was. After receiving no answer, I suggested it might be to “provide the passion and the tools to seek truth.” After all, on the west gates of the school it is inscribed, “And the truth shall set you free.” But, everyone I spoke to, before and after this student, told me education is about getting a job. If practicality is to be valued above poetry or purpose, then we’re on the right track.

Speaking about jobs, I recall being a freshman at orientation. Upon reflection I ought to thank our university for the foresight they displayed at this event. They told us we “were going to be trained for jobs that don’t exist — yet.” The “yet” is very important. Without the “yet,” it sounds as though we are all on the fast track to unemployment. But, with the “yet” comes the implication that our university possesses the ability to see and plan for the future. Thus, whatever job comes my way, I can rest assured that “alcohol and college life” was an essential part of my preparation.

For truly it is comforting to know that the political prophets who only a few months ago had the wisdom to close down the government for a littler breather, are the same sages who ultimately run this university. There is no greater peace than knowing whatever challenges may come, the Minnesota Legislature is on the case. Sure our retention rate may be hovering at 19 percent, but all that will soon change.

It will change, because despite the lack of widespread student interest in matters academic, despite the corralling of freshman into glorified prison blocks called “dorms,” despite the marginalization of the college professor as we move toward exclusively electronic classrooms, despite the lack of inspired architecture on this campus, despite a library packed with books and no students, despite a website that barely functions, despite an ocean of indifference to all the aforementioned problems and despite a lack of a clear purpose for this university, despite all that, we can rest easy because we have a new logo.

The administration in their wisdom has given us the flaming “M” and plastered it all around campus. For this we must be grateful because the administration is wise enough to know, what every kid on Christmas Eve knows: it doesn’t matter what the present is, so long as the wrapping paper looks nice.

I hope my reminders have rekindled your appreciation of our university, while calming any anger that may have arisen in response to final papers and projects. I wish you the best for the end of spring semester. For truly, today is a great day to be a Dragon.

See you in class (or not).

BY JOHN GOERKE
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