BY HOOTENANY HIPSTER
“I was so incredibly petriﬁ ed to play in the University Games,” Edna Szymanski, president of MSUM recalled with a smile. “I didn’t know if I had it in me to beat the competition, but nothing takes down ‘The Edna.’”
As MSUM searches for its next president, the presidential search committee is busy planning University Games, a multi-day event where the candidates are put to the test to see if they can be the new leader of the Dragons.
“This year the games are looking very intense,” Denise Gorsline, head game-maker of University
Games said. “We’ve put together a course of events only the best can pass, leaving only one person standing in the end.”
Gorsline said the games in the presidential search consist of the following categories: prez pong, Public Safety snafu and beanie borrowing.
“In prez pong, the candidates will face off in a beer pong battle royal,” Gorsline said, adding, “This year, there’s a twist. The table is put on a ﬂ oaty in the Nemzek pool.”
“Back when I played prez pong, the table was put in the planetarium while a lights show was going,” Szymanski said. “By the last cup I was a little tipsy, but then ‘Eye of the Tiger’ came on and I found my groove.”
The candidates will be scored based on who makes the most cups in the shortest period of time. The next round is Public Safety snafu. “This is where we really get to know how the candidates can handle tricky situations and deal with campus police,” Gorsline smirked.
The candidates must smoke weed in the dorms while drinking with the students, only to find out the RA called Public Safety. Candidates then must evade the Public Safety officers while not leaving any drugs, alcohol or paraphernalia behind.
The candidates will be scored on who ran the farthest from the dorms while carrying the most drugs, alcohol or paraphernalia without spilling or dropping anything.
“Beanie borrowing is really my favorite. It’s absolutely delicious,” Gorsline giggled. The candidates will stroll through Concordia dorms while taking as many beanies as possible without getting the Cobbers to notice.
“If any of them come back with a Cobber ring, they’re automatically the winner and next president of MSUM,” Gorsline said. Otherwise, the candidate with the most beanies will take the title of your highest excellency, the president of MSUM.
Students will know when the next president is chosen, as the dueling dragons will breathe fire and a black smoke trail from the burning of the Cobber beanies will rise from Owens.
“I’m glad I got through the games when I did,” President Szymanski said with the distant memories dancing in her eyes. “With budget cuts and lower enrollment, the next president must be able to handle anything thrown at them.”
“I’ll definitely make them work for this,” Gorsline said, staring off into the distance of her office window. “We won’t hire anyone who can’t exemplify all the virtuous traits students at MSUM possess.”